I Will Always Find You
by LiaraForever
Summary: A companion story to "I Will Always Come Back". This one is Liara's POV, a bit mushier, but hope you enjoy.


I hear sounds of celebration as I make my way through the Normandy. She did it, she actually did it. She defeated the reapers, saved the galaxy. I should be happy but all I feel is emptiness. Like everyone else I had watched the fiery remains of the Citadel fall from the skies above Earth, and with it my whole world came crashing down. While they celebrate I can barely breath. While they hug and congratulate each other I can barely keep my feet beneath me as trudge through the ship that has become my home. But no, that's not entirely correct, it's not the ship that is my home, it is the woman who had commanded it. Shepard. My home is gone.

I'm angry. I know I shouldn't be, we have all made sacrifices, all suffered losses in this war. This crew has become my family and after all we have been through together they deserve to be happy, to be able to celebrate our victory, HER victory. But I can't help but feel anger as I watch them laughing, drinking, toasting the end of this brutal war. It's over, but so is the life of the bravest and most beautiful soul I have ever known. How can they laugh, how can they be happy when she is gone.

I feel her loss as a physical pain. It knocks the breath out of me. It's a knife in my heart twisting, shredding and it will never end. It will never end because she was my life. I lost her once before and it very nearly destroyed me. This time the destruction is complete. I am no longer Liara T'Soni, I am a shell, an empty husk. My life ended when hers did.

Why did I let her leave me behind? I can still see the love in her eyes, still feel her hand caressing my face as she tells me that no matter what happens I mean everything to her. I remember how my heart broke as she pulled away from me, how it shattered as I reached for her, told her I was hers and watched her walk away from me for the last time. Why did I let her leave me behind? I should have been at her side. I should have died with her because there is no way I can live without her.

I've made my way to the elevator. As I punch the button and wait for it to arrive I see that not everyone is celebrating. In a quiet corner away from the crowd Tali is wrapped in Garrus' arms, her slender body shaking with uncontrolled grief. Garrus' face is wet with tears as he offers what little comfort he can to the heartbroken girl. I know Tali and Shepard shared a special friendship. The little Quarian was fiercly loyal to my beloved mate as was Garrus. Besides Joker and Dr. Chakwas, they were the only two who stayed with her from beginning to end. I was her love, Ashley her best friend, but when Shepard asked us to join her in defeating the Collectors we both refused. We were not there for her when she needed us and I will never forgive myself for that.

My gaze shifts to Dr. Chakwas. She is standing alone, shoulders slumped. She's holding a bottle of Serrice Ice Brandy, staring at the floor. She looks defeated. The reapers are gone but so is a friend she held dear. This is not a victory she will celebrate. She must feel me watching her because she looks up, her eyes meet mine and I see the pain in them. I'm not alone in my grief, she's missing Shepard too. I wish I could go to her, offer her some comfort, but I can't. I have nothing left to offer anyone.

As the elevator arrives I wonder where Ashley is. I hadn't seen her amongst the revellers. But of course she wouldn't be celebrating. Her heart would be broken as surely as mine is. Shepard was more then her commander, more then her teammate. Shepard was her hero, her rock. Shepard was her best friend. She had probably found a private spot to curl up and cry where no one could see her. Ashley is strong and stubborn and except for Shepard she would never let anyone see her break down.

The elevator doors finally open. I step inside and head up to her quarters. Tears blur my vision as I look around the little room Shepard and I had shared so much in. We had laughed and cried here. We had comforted each other, made love, talked about a future, that now, we would never have. She had stood in this very room, held me in her arms and promised that she would always come back to me. Now I stand here alone knowing that she will not.

My legs refuse to hold me up any longer. I move to the bed and curl up with her pillow. It still holds her scent, sweet and spicy and I breath it in, never wanting to forget it. My tears flow unrestrained as I tremble uncontrollably from the pain that is ripping out my very soul. "Shepard, you can't leave me. Please don't leave me, how am I supposed to live without you?"

I don't hear the door open but suddenly I feel myself lifted up, wrapped in gentle arms. I look up into Ashley's eyes and see my pain reflected back at me. She pulls me into her lap, cradles me like a child.

"I know," she whispers, "I know."

And she does know. I can see it in her eyes, her pain runs deep. No one feels Shepard's loss as I do, but Ashley comes pretty close. I feel my body relax slightly as her hand cups my face, gently caressing. Her lips brush my forehead and I let my head fall against her chest. I listen to her heartbeat, strong and steady, it lulls me. I want to give in to her gentle ministrations, want to accept her comfort, but how can I? How can I be comforted when my love is gone. I don't deserve comfort, I let my beloved die alone. I should have been with her.

I try to pull away but her arms tighten around me. "Liara, just let me hold you. Let me do what Shepard would want me to do. Let me be here for you." She's crying now, her tears falling warm on my face, mingling with my own. She's barely holding it together and I realize that being here with me, taking care of me is the only thing that's keeping her from breaking down completely.

I relax in her arms. She holds me tighter, rocking gently as I cry myself to sleep.

I'm not sure how long I slept but when I wake I'm still curled up in her lap, wrapped in the safe haven of her arms. I reach up and brush a strand of hair from her eyes. No words need to be said. We both loved Shepard, we mourn her together in silence.

Joker's voice on the intercom startles us both. "Liara, Ashley, we're ready for you." They want me to put her name on the Wall, to say something. What am I supposed to say?

"I can't do this, Ashley." My eyes plead with her to understand.

Her fingertips brush my cheek. "I can put her name up if you can't do it, honey."

That simple term of endearment, coming from Ashley, causes tears to sting my eyes again. When we first met there was no love lost between us. It's pretty safe to say she couldn't stand me. Somehow, with Shepard at the helm, we managed to work through it, to find a mutual respect which flourished into a genuine friendship. That's what Shepard did, she worked miracles.

"No, Ash, I don't mean putting her name up on a memorial wall." I see understanding dawn in her eyes as they fill with tears. "I can't live without her, Ash. She was my whole world, please don't ask me to go on without her, to live a thousand years with this agony, with this black hole where my heart used to be." I need her to understand and there's only one way I can think of to make her see my point of view.

I sit up and reach for her face, resting my forehead against hers. "Do you trust me, Ashley?"

"With my life." She answers without hesitation.

"How about with your heart? With your mind?" I ask

She pulls away from me so she can look into my eyes. "I trust you, Liara. You're my friend and I love you. I don't use that word lightly. I know I've never actually said it to you before, but I hope you know."

She offers me a shy smile. I know how hard this is for her, voicing out loud what is in her heart. "Part of my heart belongs to you, Liara, of course I trust you with it. But why do I have a bad feeling you're about to break it more then it already is?" Her eyes are locked onto mine, pleading with me. "Please, Liara, I can't lose you both."

I thought my heart was gone, thought it had died with Shepard, but some part of it remains because I feel it breaking now for this amazing young woman that I am honored to call my friend.

"I know you care about me, Ashley, you wouldn't be here right now if you didn't. I also know that sharing your feelings doesn't come easy for you. I am honored that you trust me enough to let me see your grief, to shed tears in my presence. Shepard loved you very much, as do I. What I shared with Shepard can not be put into words. Will you let me show you? Will you let me share my memories with you? Will you feel what I feel so you can understand?"

Her eyes search mine and I have to look away from the sadness within them. "I do understand, Liara. Shepard was everything to you and you can't imagine living another minute without her much less a thousand years. But it's still fresh, it just happened. Please, honey, give yourself some time. You have a lot of friends that love you, we'll be here for you. You can lean on us and we'll get through this together. That's what friends do, Shepard taught me that. When you care about someone, you never give up on them. When they get angry at you, turn their back on you for choices you made, call you a traitor, you don't give up on them. You chip away at their armor, make them see you're still the same person you always were. You offer your hand in friendship even after all the mean things they said to you, and you love them in spite of it. Or, when they pull away from you because they're scared, because they're heartbroken and damaged by two years of mourning. When they throw up walls between you because they are so eaten up by two years of guilt they can barely look at you without breaking down, you don't give up on them. You help them kill the shadow broker then take them to your quarters for a little R and R."

I manage a smile as I remember that glorious night spent with Shepard after two years of longing to feel her touch again. "How do you know about our 'R and R' session? You weren't even here."

She smiles back at me, "Well Tali filled me in and Joker claims he could hear you two all the way in the cockpit."

"Hey, we weren't that loud." But I laugh as I recall more then one "R and R" session where I feared the whole ship might hear us.

My smile soon fades. I will never feel her touch again, never wind my hands through her hair as I pull her lips to mine. Never again will I teeter on the edge of extacy, begging to be pushed over the brink as I gaze into the eyes of the only woman I will ever love. My bond with Shepard was complete, perfect. Now she's gone and all I want to do is join her.

Ashley is watching me as I struggle to control the tears that are threatening to fall again. She takes my hands in hers. "Show me, Liara."

I pull her to her feet, hoping she is prepared for this. She will see the depth of my love for Shepard, feel her loss as I feel it, know the soul rending pain that has become my existence. I hope she is prepared for the emotional tsunami that is about to hit her.

"Relax, Ashley. Close your eyes, clear your mind. Embrace eternity." My mind, my emotions are open to her and I can feel her mind cringe at the sudden onslaught. She feels my agony, my despair, my love. My most intimate memories are for me alone, but I show her my life with Shepard, share precious moments that I treasure.

Waking up to find Shepard watching me as I sleep, the emotion on her face so raw, the love in her eyes so plain that it brings me to tears. She reaches for my face, caressing my cheek as she leans in to capture my lips with her own. "I love you, Liara," she whispers. Her breath on my neck sends a shiver of desire down my spine. I want this woman, need her in a way I never imagined possible. She is as essential to my well being as oxygen and I can not imagine my life without her.

We stand together on the shadow broker's ship. She kisses me. It's been two years but my body reponds to her as it always has. I lean into her, trembling, barely able to control my desire. I look into her beautiful eyes and two years of grief, two years of pain, two years of guilt begin to fade away. I was so cold to her when we were reunited but she refused to give up on me. She still loves me, still wants me. The walls I built begin to crumble. I have my beloved back, a gift from the godess that I will never take for granted. I know I can't go with her on her current mission. The information I can provide her through the shadow broker's network could be the difference between her succeeding or failing. If I can give her an edge that can help keep her alive then that is what I must focus on.

We are in her quarters. She holds me in her arms and promises me that she will come back, that we will get our happy ending. Her hands roam across my body, her lips on my neck are driving me wild with desire.

We are on the Citadel at Apollo's Cafe. She reaches across the table and takes my hand in hers. Her thumb absently strokes my knuckles as her eyes lock on mine. Her smile is brighter then a thousand suns. I can feel her love, so strong it's almost a physical presence. My heart is so full of love for this woman I'm sure it will burst right out of my chest.

I sit on the sofa beside Shepard. Her arm is around me, my head resting on her shoulder. We are talking about our future. She wants to know if we can name one of our daughters in honor of her best friend. I think it's a great idea and assure her that our firstborn will be called Ashley. She smiles at me and I melt.

I am in my quarters, standing over my moniter. Shepard walks in. She watches me work for a moment then walks up behind me, wraps her arms around my waist. I try to resist, "I'm working," I tell her. I feel her breath warm on my neck. She starts at my jawline and nibbles her way down to my shoulder. Who am I trying to kid? There is no resisting this woman. I lean back into her, her hand slips under my shirt. My breath catches in my throat, my back arches, welcoming her touch.

We are on Earth. This is it, the reaper war ends now. How it ends hinges on Shepard, the fate of the galaxy is truly in her hands. I am injured and she insists I evacuate on the Normandy. I reach for her, my tears flowing freely as I watch her walk away from me for the last time. I let her walk to her death alone. No injury should have kept me from her side. I should have been with her, I should have been with her.

My anguish works its way through Ashley's mind, my depair wends its way to her soul. I can feel her trying to pull away, my emotions are to much for her to handle. She is reaching a breaking point, she has seen and felt enough of my love for Shepard and the pain of her loss. Now I want Ashley to know what I feel for her. I open my heart, let my love envelop her consciousness. She is a friend that I can count on no matter what. But she is so much more then just a friend. She is family, the sister I never had. Her friendship has brought me so much joy and I am a better person for knowing her. I sense her mind relaxing as she feels my love wrap around her like a blanket, warm and safe.

This works both ways, I can feel how important I have become to her. She lost Shepard and now she is terrified of losing me as well. Her anguish hits me hard, clawing at me. It drags me down, suffocating. She needs me to live but I don't know if I can.

I can't take any more. I break off contact and open my eyes. Ashley is staring at me, her face streaked with tears. I reach for her. "Ash."

She drops to her knees, her tears are silent but the pain they convey is quite clear. The melding has done its job, now she truly understands. I kneel beside her and gather her into my arms. "I'm sorry, Ashley. I just needed you to know."

She clings to me, trembling. "How are you still standing?" She asks. "I'm ready to follow you out the nearest airlock after that."

I kiss the top of her head and stand, pulling her to her feet. "It's hard to be the one left behind, but I will try, Ash. For you, for Tali, for Garrus. For all the people I love, I will try."

She smiles through her tears. "That's all I ask, Liara. Shepard never gave up on us and I won't give up on you."

Our minds do not have to be connected for me to feel the relief that is pouring from her. For now she doesn't have to worry about losing me, and for now that is enough for her. "Everyone is waiting for us, we better get down there."

She knods her agreement and we head for the elevator.

I stand with the plaque in my hands. I caress the cold surface, my fingertips tracing the beloved name. Commander Shepard. I close my eyes and take a deap breath, trying to pluck up the courage to place the simple plaque on the wall, the wall that contains the names of all our friends who have given their lives in defense of the galaxy. This isn't right. She never gave up on us, why are we giving up on her now? Why am I giving up on her? I look skyward and offer a prayer to my goddess.

My friends, my family, stand behind me. They are confused at my hesitation to add Shepard's name to the honored dead. My eyes search and find Ashley's. "She never gave up on us, Ash."

I can see the understanding, the tiny glint of hope in her eyes. "Then why are we giving up on her?"

It's settled. "We are not. Until I see her body, know without a doubt that she is truly gone, her name does not go on that wall. She promised me that she would always come back to me. What if she's trying. What if she's laying somewhere hurt, scared. If there was a way to survive, Shepard would find it. If she can't come back to me, then I will find her. I will always find her."

I scan the faces around me. Garrus closes his eyes for a moment. When they open again, there is a new defiant light in them. He gives me a hopeful smile. "Shepard is tough as hell. A little thing like crashing a space station isn't going to kill her."

Tali steps forward, takes my hand. "Shepard is a hard person to kill. She's come back from the dead before, let's go find her." I smile my gratitude at my Quarian friend.

Joker knods and limps towards the elevator. "Let's go find the crash sight. Let's go find our commander."

I feel a hand on my shoulder and turn to find Dr. Chakwas, eyes alight with new hope. "The med bay will be ready for her. You get her to me and I'll do the rest."

New life has been breathed into all of us, a little hope. For now that is enough.

It doesn't take us long to find the crash sight. Rubble is strewn across miles of Earth's ravaged landscape. It's going to take a long time for Earth to recover from the reaper attack, but the same can be said of all of our homeworlds. We will work together, all the races of the galaxy, and we will persevere. We will rebuild together as friends and allies, united under Shepard's banner.

I stumble through the rubble for what seems an eternity. What if I can't find her? I am scared, desperate and losing hope fast when I see it. The sun glints off the N7 armor like a beacon. Shepard. I scramble towards her, "Shepard! She's here. I found her."

I make my way through the rubble. I can't tell if she's dead or alive. "Shepard, just hang on. I'll get to you." Finally I am at her side. My hands rove over her searching for sighs of life but it's difficult to tell through her armor. Then I see the rise of her chest as she take a deep breath. "Oh thank the goddess, she's alive. I'm here. Shepard, I'm here. I found you."

Garrus reaches us first. He picks her up and I keep pace beside him as he carries her back to the Normandy.

The med bay is chaotic. Everyone wants to see her, know that she is okay. Dr. Chakwas quickly takes charge. I find myself pushed to the back of the room as Dr. Chakwas orders Shepard's armor removed. There are to many people between me and my love. Then I hear it. Just one word. "Liara." She's calling for me. I may be small, but no one is going to stand in my way now.

I elbow my way to her side nearly knocking the doctor down in my haste. "I'm here, Shepard, I'm here, love." I forget about everyone else in the room as my world narrows down to one strong, beautiful, amazing woman. She looks so weak, so fragile. She can't even open her eyes. But she's alive. I kiss her forehead, her cheek. I drink in her scent, savor the feel of her flesh, warm and alive, beneath my fingertips. "I love you, Shepard, don't you even think about leaving me."

Somehow she finds the strength to open her eyes and I gaze into heaven. Her body is bruised, battered and broken. She is lucky to be alive, but her eyes show no trace of pain, no sign of the trauma she has suffered. She looks at me and all I see is her love shining back at me. She reaches for me, pulling my lips to hers. Her kiss is sweet, gentle and I melt into her. "I love you, Liara. I was born to love you." She whispers the words, they are for my ears only.

I need to hold her and I act without thinking, climbing into the bed beside her. Dr. Chakwas is glaring at me but I don't care, I need to be close to her. I wrap my arms around her, holding her as tightly as I dare. My body melds with hers, we fit together perfectly. I love this woman more then life. She IS my life. I have my life back and I will never let her go again. Her days of saving the galaxy are over. From now on we concentrate on each other, on our life togther and all those little blue children I can't wait to get started on.

I look out over the sea of faces watching us. Dr. Chakwas' glare has softened to an affectionate grin. Garrus has his arm around Tali's shoulders, his smile is bigger then Palaven.

I scan the crowd for Ashley and find her in the back. She's leaning against the wall and I think without its support she would fall. Her face is in her hands but that doesn't hide the tide of tears that are flowing. She's exhausted physically and emotionally. She took care of me through all of this and had never really allowed herself time to grieve. Now it's all catching up to her. My arms ache to hold her, offer her comfort, but nothing can tear me away from Shepard's side right now.

Tali follows my gaze and spots Ash. She frees herself from Garrus' light embrace and makes her way to Ashley's side. Without a word she pulls the girl into her arms and Ashley doesn't resist. Her head finds Tali's shoulder, her arms encircle the Quarian's waist. She falls into Tali's arms accepting her offer of comfort without hesitation, and I marvel at how both of these women have changed, have grown in Shepard's company.

My attention turns back to the woman in my arms. Shepard's head rests on my shoulder. My fingers wind through her hair, caress her face. I have my bondmate back and every day, for the rest of our life together, I will make sure she knows how loved she is.

"Goddess, Shepard, I almost lost you again."

"But you didn't, you found me."

"I will always find you, Shepard."

"And I will always come back to you, Liara."


End file.
